A Tribute To & Fond Memories Of
Georgina Faith Papin
March 11th. 1964 - Last Seen March 2ond. 1999
Remains Discovered & Confirmed Murdered 200
Cougar - Ghost Spirit
Spirit Keeper Animal Totem - White Buffalo - Respect
Life Animal Totem - Cougar - Extraordinary Power
Ruling Element - Air - Plant Totem - Plantain
Mineral Totem - Turquoise -
Member of the Frog Clan - Cougars share a strong connection to the Earth and water element with the Serpent
& Woodpecker. All from Frog Clan
The Cougar is the 3rd. Totem on the Medicine Wheel between the Otter & the Red Hawk
Georgina entered the Light World in the Great Cardinal Direction of the North under the Big Winds Moon;
The White North offering is a cleansing, purifying & powerful strength.
Operating as Winter does when it cleans the Earth & the weak, the White North sends tests & teaches the
courageous endurance & wisdom that comes with the trials of life.
In Some Native American Cultures; The White Eagle is often associated with this Direction. It is said that
those who have a vision of the White Eagle become Healers [perhaps Georgina's Journey Totem]
At this time; Georgina's crossing over to the Shadow World remains between herself and the Creator.
The Spirit Of The Woman
A Cougar is one of the fastest felines in the world - powerful enough to kill with its claws or a well placed bite.
They also emit a high-pitched scream that can be very unnerving.
They have the ability to adapt to whatever life throws at them.
HUMAN FEMALE cougars chase men shamelessly & will swat then to get attention.
They are assertive and leap and leap at opportunity without hesitation. You like the thrill of the chase.
Does that sound familiar?
A female Cougar is a loving & devoted Mother. She will protect her young & defend her territory even if it means
risking her life.
Cougars cherish their families.
Since they rarely Trust others, they may find themselves sinking into depression or melancholy.
Their quest for Spiritual Growth leads them to explore new avenues & they keep an open mind.
Cougars guard their privacy and are often silent about their own needs. They are good conversationalists who take charge
but rarely reveal anything about themselves
Georgina taught many about the Red Road Path: to love & respect for the self & others.
Walk Quietly In Peace Our Sister
Gone But Never Forgotten
I first met Georgina in Edmonton. (70s -80s)
Brief & casual. Meaningless to either one of us at the time.
Georgina was a "friend of a friend".
I crossed paths with Georgina again in the winter of 95-96.
My ex-husband and i were attending a LINC meeting at the former Sumas Centre in Abbotsford.
Georgina had just been released from a program facility in "K".
She was bubbling happy to of survived the treacherous road trip through the ice & snow and still of made it
to the meeting almost on time but alive and in one piece.
Georgina captured people's attention with her smile so, as usual, she lit up the room when she bounced in.
Even after so many years passing, i remembered that smile, and her eyes, they twinkled mischievously when her mind
was free of burdens.
We both keep staring at each other but it just wouldn't register. I whispered to my husband, i know that girl
from somewhere and i think it is from the Edmonton "daze".
It took us awhile but one day she asked me if i was from Edmonton? Irene, oh ya..
We never hung out, i had my life and Georgina had hers.
Georgina suffered with her demons but she was a wonderful woman. Very proud of her Heritage.
She would do anything for anyone she knew was genuine.
I doubt if i would of wanted to cross her. Her Spirit is strong.
Georgina was living in Mission & presenting herself as very happy.
She was busy at the Friendship Centre and people loved having her there. She was excited to be settling
into her apartment and her new role as a wife keeping life growing inside her womb.
She had herself a handsome man who loved her and
she was "winning" the war with "them" over her other children.
We joked about hers being the first LINC baby.
The last time i saw Georgina in life was not long after her child was born.
We had a quick chat and in general she said she was doing ok.
Her eyes were not twinkling, she was having hassles with the Ministry and she told me she was having little
slips.
Any person who has lived the "life" or suffered addiction will understand why that wasn't shocking news.
I told her "take care of yourself my sister".
We hugged good-bye and i never saw her again.
In honesty, i can't say that i had even thought about seeing her again.
We were not close friends.
We were simply acquaintances brought together twice in one lifetime due to four negative factors commonly connected
with unfortunate circumstances.
Booze, Drugs, Prostitution & Prison.
The Four Cardinal Directions representing HELL and there is no good road to follow once you take the first
step into any one of these directions. Whatever direction you start your journey on all leads to that same ugly place.
2006
Earlier throughout the last 17 months I had been devastated after learning of two women i had known well [one
i had "worked"with] and both of whom had been recently removed from the MISSING list and added to the confirmed MURDERED.
Both of who's DNA had been matched from evidence discovered on the Port Coquitlam Pickton Family "pig farm".
Of course there were some women's faces on the MISSING poster i recognized as having seen over the
years while visiting the various Prisons throughout Alberta and British Columbia.
Women i had said hi to, maybe spent some brief time with but had never developed any kind of street relationships
with.
Between Alberta & British Columbia, i was recognizing too many faces with names i knew personally.
It was haunting when hearing names of the Murdered Women who were from the communities i had played in as a
child and still had my own Families living within them.
I have deep roots in Campbell River and not so distant roots in Alert Bay.
Even though not knowing Janet Henry or Marnie Lee Frey personally, i still felt a great sense of loss due to
the geographical connection i shared with them.
These are small communities, people raised in them still take each other very personally in times of crisis.
I thought i was showing my respects by keeping the names of each woman i knew well or otherwise in my private moments
with the Creator.
The lighting of a candle each night providing guiding light for all women and children suffering harm's
evil way to a safe passage towards shelter.
Then only to discover i had been looking at a face without really looking the woman.
A woman i respected and thought i would recognize anywhere.
Provinces and decades apart.
A woman i recognize easily now that i know who i am looking at. Even in her hard times, her pride is still reflecting
and her smile is still there for all the world to see.
It has been only a about a year ago while reading a news story on the MISSING WOMEN website that a picture
jumped out at me.
It was the face of the woman Georgina i knew and recognized immediately and it was only then i knew her
last name.
Right then i started searching the faces of the women instead of just looking for the names i knew were
there and maybe some more i always worried would be added some day soon.
Since that day I have never looked over any picture of any woman thought to be MISSING or who's disappearance is
suspected to be FOUL PLAY.
I study very closely each picture, each set of eyes.
My obvious lack of genuine care forced me to take a good hard and long look at myself.
Had i become so far removed from the "life" of misery that all i felt compelled to do was glance over it without registering
what and who was looking back at me?
I am sorry my Sister.
You were a valuable woman - human being in the light world, proud and strong.
You are worthy of much respect and dignity.
The Creator has taken back to keep for himself your spirited laughter.
Somehow i feel you are at peace teaching in his lodge.
Why this heinous violence was to be committed upon your bodies i do not understand nor can i forgive.
The only answer my searching returns is; every one of you women were gifted. Every one of you are remembered
as special. You were all known as loving and kind-hearted, most of you would do anything for almost anyone.
Child like Spirits when you were not in the clutches of evil.
Survivors of burdens who so many now talk of you could never in their lifetimes entertain in thought the burdens
you carried and the abuses you suffered.
You have all left your memories to live long on this earth.
Many different kinds of peoples will learn from your murders. Each one of you will teach
a lesson, inspire an idea, become namesakes and bring new opportunities .
Today the whole world is reading Sarah's poetry, People sing your names and your messages are being heard.
More importantly, your blood stains the hands of many powerful people and your names weigh heavy on their tongues.
All we can pray for; Let there become a goodness to grow from this insanity and that your memories
will keep warm the hearts of many whom may otherwise of grown cold.
Your Lives and your Deaths are going to be remembered for making changes and creating opportunity.
Opportunities you and so many others never had.
You found great joy in sharing your heritage with others and teaching the way of the red road.
Well Georgina, you left behind some real hell on your bloodied footprint that lured you down one
horrific red road that no others ever want to find themselves walking.
HYCH'KA
Sister for warning us others this road is no longer safe to travel.
Even in death your purpose is teaching, showing and capturing the interests of others.
Warning, protecting and crying out for the Justice so many people never live to see.
To many you are remembered as oneirocritical..
Interpreter of Dreams.
Chance meetings were all that brought us together.
Never in a million years would i ever of thought it would be me writing a Gone But Never Forgotten
tribute in your honor.
It was in the brief time between us and the impact i see you have made on so many others that now inspires
me to speak up and reach out.
It is the sickness i feel when i think of the hellishness haunting your name and it is for your babies i cry because
your tears have run dry.
It will be the lost souls stranded in hell being tortured and scorched by the heat of their Demon's fire to
whom your memory will create hope for. Empowerment for your sisters to depurate a future
that was stolen from you.
Education is Empowerment, Empowerment is Self-Esteem, Self-esteem is Equality. Equality is Life's Balance
in the modern world.
G guidance F fairness P purpose That is what you gave so freely in
the sharing of your own spiritually as you roamed through the light world.
Our ambition is to contribute memorable achievements reflective of in part the many inspiring life's
goals you intended to achieve.
You left many deep tracks to follow.
Watch over our journey and give guidance shall we wander too far off the right path.
Believe that we will keep speaking until someone starts listening. Trust that we will keep
singing out loud until people start doing. Rest In Peace knowing we will never stop dancing as our
success continues to outgrow our age.
What horrors you women suffered for us still strolling our way through "life" or; running for our lives to get away from
the death of it.
We of us owe you many thanks.
Thank you my friend from all your Sisters & Brothers.
Your memory will live long Georgina Faith Papin.
ABOUT THE LIFE & DEATH
Lets go back and talk about Foul Play for just one minute.
Foul Play?? Who in the hell dreamed up such a demented repulsive discern to Murder suspected of been committed against
any human being MISSING or discovered under suspicious - curious - unusual circumstances.
Define the word play..
I too agree that "human beings" who commit demoniac acts of insanity against other living beings are
very likely amused with their own frolic.
However, any near death experience i have survived at the will of another "human being" will not be documented in my
journal as Play in any derive of the word. Sexual violence, despicable acts being committed to your body because to this human
with distemper, that is all you are, a body. Antagonist degradation against your entire self, overwhelming anxiety and
terror, the anguish of helplessness, the agony of prolonged knowing you are going to die and your last feelings of indignities
knowing the crudeness of how your body will look to the others who examine you in death.
No laughter there. No play, no frolic and you are definitely not amused.
You are sobbing, you have wet yourself and likely your bowels have let go. Snot is running down your face, you stink
of fear and you have likely puked all over yourself.
You notice none of that as you are pleading for life and to get to see your babies, your mother, your sister or the man
in the moon but we all have someone we want to see that one more time.
In that minute i just asked for and the short time it took you to read about Foul Play.. In our Civilized
Western World at least 20 women just met and became a victim of it!!
So are my words too descriptive and have offend anyone? I am glad.
This means i am doing the job i set out to do.
This site is not a In Memory of and it is not all about the Downtown Eastside of Vancouver British Columbia.
This site is being created to assist in the Educating of Prostitution or, the Sex-Trade. Educating why the need
to hold the Johns accountable for their part in the sex-trade. Educating the Johns in the Prevention of spreading
Diseases throughout the "low risk" community.
Generally the John's unsuspecting life's partner or, partner at present.
Lets hope that person isn't out sexing around and so on the STD list grows.
Nice way to find out you have been infected with HIV.
Or, the any other or combination of many other STDs most of you not involved in the sex-trade even know exist.
There is a lot more to the sex-trade - prostitution than a prostitute, a john and money.
I expect what the Jurors are going to be subject to while having to study gruesome pictures of hideous body parts
or, the evidences that DNA will prove was done with body parts because there are no body parts left.
These are not Body Parts, DNA evidence or DNA samples. These are all that is left and
the missing pieces belonging to a lot more than 26 Human Beings.
Women Human Beings. Some of them only Women by a date recorded on a birth certificate. Some of our
women never mentally advanced past childhood.
At one time this DNA belonged to a woman who lived, laughed, cried. She bled when she cut herself
no differently than you or I. Many had children that will never sleep a restful night again.
Could you if that was your Mother?
You could not pay me to sit through one hour of the Pickton Trial. I have no intention of being there and i
do not intend to become a media junkie searching for the gruesome details.
A person does not have to have a great deal of imagination to guess what horrors befell our women.
Excluding their Family, in my point of view the rest of the audience is into Foul Play.. Frolicking
in another's degradation and being amused with hideous indignities at the expense
of women you tell dirty jokes about.
Most of Society wouldn't of bought one those women a tampon if she was bleeding down her legs.
Pointed and laughed maybe or, looked the other way.
So why now do people need to hear how she pleaded, or how she screamed out in pain.
I don't want to hear the details of her disposal, is it so important that you do?
She was not a Bic lighter and she was not some throw away trash.
If half the people that are so interested in the details of what happened to the women alleged to have
been murdered by "Willy" Pickton, had of shown this interest in their lives when they were alive.
I wonder how 50% would still be alive today measures up? Settles well with all the ones so interested
in them now?
Well don't run away if that was you before looking at another point of view. Learn from it and be a part of the
solution we are all searching for.
But don't go sit through that trial looking for answers. Don't allow the accused to desecrate what is left of the
women's privacy. Don't enable a monster to reap glory from evil.
And that glory may not belong to the person who is being accused. The real monster may of out-smarted the
evidence and he or she or both may be sitting right next to you in that courtroom. Keeping in mind, this trial could go on
for years, there is still a lot of investigating going on. Perhaps the Police are just waiting for someone else to slip up?
Maybe that is why thee are two trials?
Maybe we could do a lot more for our current sex-trade workers and our communities if we left the Pickton "pig farm"
up to the courts and victim's families. The rest of us will better serve the murdered women and their families if we move
forward making positive changes on their behalf.
Give them the allowance to focus on healing not having to heal themselves and society too.
Use our energies to create new safe pathways for the unfortunate who find their way into the world of the living dead.
Commemorate the women with exit programs, treatment facilities and real money for education. Not keeping them caught
in a time warp with new gossip ugly enough to keep any sane person from falling asleep at night.
Christ if they are watching over us waiting to see Justice done, you gossip hounds and ghouls are driving them into relapse
mode. Get off their case.
And if you simply are one of the freaks in this world that thrives on evil, stay the
#@&% away from the private hell of my friends and their families.
Go rent a movie.
Go peek into Linda Louise Wright's windows, pick through her dirty laundry basket. I am sure her garbage sits out on
the street once a week.
Do you know who she is? While you all are getting so well informed on the lives of the women, the names of there families,
where they live and even what cornor they worked. I am sitting here asking myself why isn't it the Family business of the
Pickton's and the Wrights.
Linda Wright is "Willy" Pickton's sister.
If the press hounded her or invaded her privacy the way they have the victims. Well with her financial backing and her
reputation of being a "wealthy" "well to do" from an "Upscale neighborhood" kind of Woman, i expect there would not be a newspaper
being sold with one word about the name Pickton and prostitutes from the skids..
I know what it feels like to be a victim of "Just kidding Foul Play" or, escaping the likelihoods of "Foul Play".
That kind of degradation and the horrors much worse need not be what stains your memory of 26 desperate and troubled
women.
Can't we just leave them alone to rest now.? Don't we owe their loved ones the respect to leave them grieving without
us reporting their every tear. What about their babies. The children may be growing up and some are already grown, but, in
the hearts of their Mothers, they were her Babies and be real sure it was her babies in her last thoughts.
It wasn't Heroin, Crack, METH or her next John.
I am here to tell you, if she had children, she took their memory with her.
HELP US MAKE A DIFFERENCE
I keep reading Georgina Papin got into drugs and prostitution at 11 years old. No she did not!
How does an 11 year old child know how to get themselves into drugs and prostitution?
First of all, you can't have anyone getting into prostitution unless there is a John wanting to buy
sexual services.
So hug your daughters & sons real close tonight readers because;
There is a Fraser Valley full of Johns cruising the streets tonight searching for another 11 year
old; Georgina, Angela, Sereena, Mona, Brenda, Heather, Andera, Marnie Diana, Jennifer, Diane, Helen, Patricia,
Tanya, Sherry, Sarah, Cindy, Tiffany, Jacqueline and the names will continue to grow on forever.
FACTS: Society must educate themselves with the reality of the prostitution demand, it is not just
women prostituting themselves and it is not just little girls the Johns are out cruising for tonight.
The sex-trade is gender friendly, every "body" is welcome.
All ages, all genders, all cultures, all backgrounds.
The demand for sex is alive and well on the streets tonight, unfortunately not all the people providing it will
of been so lucky come daylight tomorrow.
DOES IT REALLY MATTER?
Yes it does and what matters the most and will cost the least is how you can help in making a difference.
That's all, just a little difference. We are not trying to rid Society of prostitution.
There is organization including the Police that will ever stop prostitution.
The sex-trade is a BILLION DOLLAR a year Industry.
However, Making that little difference is a lot better than not making any difference at all. Ignoring,
Denying, and
Enabling is only adding to the sexual violence sex-trade workers face everyday.
Leaders within the Law Enforcement authorities must exercise their power and support exit and opportunity
programs such as ours.
It is then society will reap benefits and begin to reclaim our communities.
People must allow themselves to be educated before it hits home in your own home.
Perhaps then the pimps will have a harder time grooming your child tonight.
The #1 FAQ
Why did she keep "winding up down there"?
Sometimes even when things are going great we sabotage ourselves. Why not? I will screw it up before "they" do.
It won't last anyway, nothing good ever does.
At least we feel like we are in control of our own unhappiness and downfall.
Ask yourself; if you were torn away from your family, passed from foster home to residential school to juvenile
detention. Turned out for prostitution at 11 -12-13 years old, got hooked on Heroin because it was the
only drug strong enough to dull the pain of having to live another day.
The people you have known from "down there" are the only Family you know where to find
or, have become all the Family you have left. This Family accepts you no matter how poorly you make your
choices. This Family shares your addictions and welcomes you back home with open arms when you show
up "down there".
This Family gives you credit for making an honest effort to go straight and so on; isn't that the place you
would want to go?
Where else do people go when they feel broken and are face planted into dive mode headed straight toward the
sewer?
You go to where you feel familiar and safe!!
Home to your Family and where you are loved?
Think About This: Where do you go when your having a lousy day?
To the Pub where you can count on sharing a beer and a laugh with people you know? A long drive in the country, take
a nice soak in your Hot-Tub????
FACT: some people don't have a lousy day, or a lousy week. They have a lousy 10, 20 40 years and they honestly do
not know how to make it get any better for themselves tomorrow.
Many people might know what would make it better but, honestly do not have the means or the opportunity to make
it happen for themselves. Emotionally, financially, physically or several other barriers common in the everyday of any marginalized
population surviving in every community in Canada.
Add addiction and mental illness to that and what can we expect it to add up to? Disaster.
Prostitutes and Addicts are not inhuman. We know who the people we hurt along our way. We feel the pains
of the people who are hurting us.
We feel guilty, we know we are disappointing people, we don't want to hear anymore lectures and we simply do not want
to pretend, lie and hurt people anymore.
JUST ASK FOR HELP?
How many of the Missing and Murdered Women were waiting for a placement in treatment? How many stayed clean for the few
days required while agencies, friends and families tried to secure placement for them?
Not all of the women were collecting welfare and in fact many had nowhere remotely safe to stay while detoxing.
You try suffering a hangover behind a garbage dumpster in a snow storm wearing nothing but jeans and a tee shirt.
I know, you don't have to but again i ask, could you?
Some of the women that did have financial resources made available for them never picked their rent cheques up because
she could not find affordable housing outside of the downtown eastside.
And really, how many landlords in Point Grey do you think would of rented to any one of the women had she
won the 649 and could easily afford the uptown rent? 6 months in advance cash up front would not of stopped the doors
from slamming in her face while she was standing there still talking. More likely than not, doors would not of been opening
to her period.
How many of you right now are willing to sign up with our program as a "safe home" for one sex-trade worker
doing her best to exit prostitution?
My phone is not ringing and my inbox is still empty.
A lot of people are simply lacking in a real opportunity to obtain the Life Skills one has to have to take
steps toward being an independent and productive member of the community.
If you don't have the tools and nobody ever taught you how to resolve Crisis and history has kept reinforcing to
you "they" can't be trusted; doesn't the giving up, the running "home" and the f--k it logic makes
perfect sense?
It may be and likely is, all the person knows about resolving their frustration and pain..
So let it be answered, That is why she kept winding up back "down there"..
I expect if people you trusted failed you, tossed you away, broke up your family, bought and sold your body like you
were a used car, "
gave" you drugs until you started needing them to "
get that ass of yours the #@*% back out on the street" or, you finally start to understand the new best friend who gave you that
first shot of Heroin isn't really your friend at all; he or she is your Pimp.
And, it is always some one who "fixed me up" that very first shot of anything.
Including the one to your head if you try to escape a Pimp who now owns your entirety.
You may find that a lot to deal with. Too overwhelming to manage all at once.
Perhaps consider how overwhelming it must be for an 10-11-12-13 year old child with nobody in the entire world
to turn to.
At 14 they are legal age and considered veterans of the trade and, sometimes what is at home is worse than what is on
the streets.
Another reason we may wind up back "down there" is; things going too good for us can be very unfamiliar, it
doesn't feel right, like a freshly starched shirt, we don't know how to get comfortable with the feeling of it so; we
go back to what we do know and what we are comfortable with.
What has always worked for us.
The ultimate cause of relapse into substance abuse, prostitution or the committing of suicide is statistically documented
and as being a woman i have to agree is the breakdown or loss of relationships.
Childless women and men girls and boys suffer equally painful grief with loss and by no means do i not recognize
and educate that fact.
However, in the collecting of data and my own experience with Mothers living without their children;
The worst pain experienced by most for us is the loss of our Children.
Never deny a Mama Bear her cubs.
She will either kill you protecting them or run off into the bush, go insane and die if she looses them.
The Time Process & Relapse
Most people grow through life's changes gradually.
We take approximately 25 years maturing, 6-12-18-24 + months slipping into depressions. Addictions
often only take once depending on the drug and the addicts personality however, it is rule of generalization that most addictions
are gradual developers.
We enjoy a lifetime developing relationships with self and others.
However, When we make life's changes going the other way, to the clean and sober, pro-social
"normal way; there is nothing gradual about it or developing about it at all. It is overnight shock.
It could be A New Year's Resolution, lord knows people set themselves up to call themselves a "failure"every
December 31rst.
May it be you want to quit; smoking, overeating, drinking or gambling.
Ok, by January 25th. many of us has shelved that resolution til next year (maybe).. It is not really going to rock too
many boats if you stop in at the neighborhood pub for a quick beer with the regulars on about January 5th.. Oh the stress
of all the Christmas, credit cards and Family. You need to have a beer and unwind.
January 10th. you stop in again but this time your having a smoke and a couple of beers.. Gee, your starting to feel
familiar and comfortable again. Better grab a couple of pull tabs.
That Christmas does this to you every year. (because it is unfamiliar and out of your regular routine)
Hell ya, its January 25th. and by now its back to normal. You get off work Friday night and the truck just drives itself
to the pub. Your a little hungry so maybe you'll have a burger with your beer. Of course you have already got a couple of
smokes into your lungs before the second round of beers hit the table. What is that your playing? Texas What?
Couple more beers into you and here comes that big greasy bacon burger with extra cheese of course. Don't forget to salt
up the fries.
That Doctor doesn't know what the hell he is talking about anyway.
So now you are right back to good to go until next year or, you drop dead from high blood pressure or a heart attack
BUT my point here is. But for right now, you feel great. Must be getting over some kind of flu bug or something.
Your comforts are not visible hindrance to your family if you still have any, your boss, for now, your overdraft, oooppps.
Society, it hasn't been bothered by your lifestyle yet because your not obvious. YET.
Your not on the front line in harms way. Well maybe if you drive the truck home at closing time.
Your lifestyle is not going to be reported as High Risk when you have that heart attack.
People will stand at your bedside or your grave and sob.
Talk about what a great guy you were.
Now think about this.. LIFE ON THE SKIDS
A Heroin addicted prostitute is being told she is close to getting her kids back from the Ministry. They promised
to even get them into BC Housing way out in Burnaby if she "gives up" Heroin. Next court date is January 30th.
- 9:30 am sharp and, she doesn't need to bother legal aid for a Lawyer this time because it is all looking cut and dry. Court
is just a formality. Everything will be just fine.
New Year's Eve at 7:00 pm she injects what she wants, hopes and prays will be her Last Fix..
No, not suicide but, that has crossed her mind thinking about the misery she is setting herself up for.
This time is the last time so she is sure she can do it on her own. There is a 4 month waiting to get into treatment
and the social worker is really trying to get full wardship of her babies.
She has no choice, she has to do it on her own before her visit with her babies next week.
Her babies mean more to her than life itself and this time she is going to make it.
She wakes up at 3 am and she isn't feeling too good, by 6am she is feeling every bone in her body, in fact that is all
she is feeling. Her nose is running, the cramps are wicked but oh God do my bones hurt.
By 7:30 she is puking all over herself because she hurts too much to get off the cot. Her daughter's baby blanket
is drenched in sweat. She pees in the coffee can. She hates walking down the hall to use the bathroom at night so she uses
this old can that someone else before her left in the room when they left. Likely died, people don't leave once they have
a real room to themselves. Murdered, Overdosed, Suicide or maybe just Old Age.. Just gone and nobody cares. She doesn't. The
pee can belongs to her now.
Almost every bone in her body has been broken at least once and most of them twice or more. Bad boyfriends and bad
dates. The bad father and the bad pimp used to beat her up pretty good too so, who knows who busted up what bones.
All she knows is that right now, they are hurting like hell.
She quits looking at the clock and who cares what day clean this is because only the Heroin cares and it is in control
of her. Like always, it doesn't want to lose her, it doesn't want to let her go. It wants to hide out in her
broken soul but she is really fighting back this time. Where is she getting this strength from. It is those dam babies of
hers trying to take her away from me. I'll fix her, i am Heroin, i own you now bitch. I have more control
than your last pimp. Remember, i made you steal his stash just to prove to him you love me over all others. Didn't i make
you feel better when he beat you up? Why are you treating me like i am poison, haven't i always been thee for you when nobody
else cared if you lived or died. You my as well just give in. Nobody will want you anymore. Not after i have had you for this
long. I am Heroin, i will make her do anything it takes to keep me from causing her this pain.
She doesn't want to listen to Heroin's ugly voice. She has heard it all 100s of times before and she knows it is
all lies. Everytime she listens to Heroin, look at the grief it causes her. She is fighting the voices so strongly. She keeps
looking at the picture of her babies, their smiling trusting hopeful faces and she keeps praying to God out loud to
keep her strong enough so she can get herself through this just one more time.
Finally she sleeps.
It has been 4 days now, She is not feeling very swell, she stinks, her room stinks. She doesn't remember shitting
herself. Too wobbly to walk 4 doors down to the shower today.
She wonders if anyone is worried about her. Do they think she has become another one of the MISSING.
She lays her head down and sleep comes easy.
One week and she is feeling confident that she is going to beat it this time. She is all showered and clean, she has
scrubbed her little room from top to bottom. Her babies and the social worker will be at the Mac Donalds for a half
hour visit in 2 more sleeps. Yes, even the little girl child is waking up inside of her.
She needs coffee. What she really needs is sugar but, it is good for her to want to get out of her little room for awhile.
It is sudden and it is likely going to take a few tries at getting it right.
More often than not, your scared, sick and have no support from anyone you trust. Maybe not even anyone you know. Many
times it is not by your own choice to make these choices.
Here i am again, in the hands of another stranger, giving up my control or, having it taken away from me. I am being expected
to just trust and open up my whole life to "them".
People don't do that with people they are dating and really see a future with. Not in the first 24-48-72 hours.
As well, we carry the; "They" know all about me, all the "bad" stuff about me. Nobody ever writes about the nice things
i do".
Go ahead, go spill everything about yourself to a perfect stranger. Worse, someone who has total control over your life.
Then try giving up any one of your "comforts" HABITS for 30 days..
That cold beer with the guys after work, that glass of wine after you have your kids in bed. The poker game next Friday
night.
Change your entire lifestyle, the people you know and trust, your environment. Even for one week.
Your right, you don't have to but, the question remains, could you, would you and how easy do you think it would be if
you did?
Kind of like applying for a
job selling lumber and being allocated the
position
as architect on the multi-complex project the lumber is being sold to build. Good luck with that.
That is a big job and could you walk confidently just breezing into it or through it?
Would you get it built on your first try? Would you ask for help and try to become educated in the field of Architectural
Design?
Do you have the tools for a trade you don't employ yourself in? Would you know how to use them?
That is how i compare the immediate and impossible many of have been and still are being challenged with.
This may be an extreme example however, it is how i would like some of you more fortunate, educated and supportive to
begin understanding addictions & prostitution. The difficulties of getting help and knowing how to manage it in order
to make healthy changes and choices for ourselves.
For us, it is generally poly (multiple) changes and again, often we are committed to making them overnight.
If you go from working Lowtrack, shooting heroin and using the washroom in the gas station to bathe yourself, sleeping
in the alley behind a dumpster because it is a good windbreak To; being welcomed into a community program where you are
given a bed, sheets, a shower or bath with lots of hot water, personal hygiene products, warm PJs and a cup of hot
Tea.
That transition is difficult. Often it is comes via a trip to detox or jail and who is going to like that getting right
off the bus.
When we are ready to welcome the first two residents into Annette's Place. There is nobody going to just trust me, relax
or settle in right away. Maybe never and i can accept that. I haven't wanted to stay every place i wound up either and, if
i didn't like it, i left..
All anyone can do is try. I would never feel human again in my life if the lives of at least 26 other women were
not worthy of my abilities to stand up on their behalf.
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